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[at_heart]

You called me, so my guess is you know who I am. But I'm busy, so leave a message, or whatever.

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[ends]

[ from behind a small curtain of hair mercifully blocking out the dimming light, Kitsu merely looks up toward Lupine as if looking through a distant fog, a soft melancholy reaching his eyes. ]

Not always.

[ his voice remains low, soft, and - almost guilty. ]

Not when places and states exist where you can care about someone and still not even blink if they die in front of you.

[at_heart]

[ ... ]

I mean. Sure. Sometimes you're too numb to feel much of anything.

[ Pause. ]

But that's a you problem. It doesn't say squat about the people you care about.

[ends]

[ wow, much foreshadowing. ]

Until everyone around you feels that way about you too, and you realize you might be the one, fragile barrier between complete apathy and...

[ he shakes his head, letting his eyes fall closed. ]

Nevermind. I'm... out of it, I don't know what I'm talking about.

[at_heart]

[ He was talking about depression but stuff can be two things! ]

...Yeah? Man, you really give yourself way too much credit, don't you.

[ Beat. ]

Nobody has that kind of power over other people. [ Softer, ] You can help, and you can hurt, but you can't hold yourself responsible for their whole well-being like that.

[ends]

[ "You're right. I didn't run off and try to disappear from this place when I had the chance. I gave myself the credit that I could be someone instead, and..."

the reflex is there, but he swallows it back, his features going still as he intentionally stalls his breathing. no. ]

Can't I? I've already done it. More than once.

I'll keep on doing it, because I - I don't want to be that person I was anymore. That person who looks out at a crowd of people and hates every single one of them... Pretending like if I laugh on cue and go through the motions, that maybe I'll get a signal that I'm doing it right and feel something.

And I know this, this is... one way to not feel that way again.

[at_heart]

I know you have.

[ Just. Saying that. Because he did see that memory. ]

But it's not fair to you. [ And this is — riskier. ] Wasn't fair to her, either.

[ends]

Nothing was ever fair to her.

[ that answer comes surprisingly easily, perhaps because it spends so much time circling and revolving in his head. ]

Neither was I. How many times did I look at her and do nothing because I didn't have it in me to even give that to her? "Oh, I don't have the energy. Ah, but I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing. No matter what I do, this miserable person is all I'll ever be, so why try to be any different?"

I gave in. I let all of that be true.

[ there it is again, that quiet acceptance. that plain statement, as if discussing yesterday's dinner. ]

You see it all the time in stories, don't you? The people that die and are discarded to showcase unjust lives - so the real heroes can move forward.

[at_heart]

[ ...Wow. ]

Your life isn't a story, Kit. It doesn't work by the same rules. People don't die for dramatic necessity, and you dying won't move the plot forward.

[ends]

... Sorry, that's not-

[ that came out a lot more detached from an entire life than he'd meant. ]

I guess once you're aware of a world's makeup and half of it is people who aren't completely sentient, it kinda colors your...

[ it probably sounds like inebriated rambling, except he seems present enough when he says it, and he doesn't falter on it the way he would if he had been embarrassed or ashamed. ]

... It's not important. [ as they travel, he visibly flinches upon noting another wave of fans on one of the higher floors. ]

[at_heart]

[ ........... ] [ He's gonna swing wider. They could've done this from any roof, but there's only one roof virtually guaranteed to be free of fans, and that's the hotel roof. ]

—It sounds important.

[ It sounds... well, it sounds like the kind of lie someone would make up if they wanted to rationalize really awful treatment of half the world's population, but. That would be a really wild leap to make from what little Kit has told him, so he's going to swallow down a cynical conspiracy theory that just popped into his head, fully formed. A new level of paranoia, congrats?? ]

[ends]

The NPCs? The... "Non-Player Characters?"

[ he closes his eyes, touching a hand to his forehead. ]

Being here, with those fans- it's all getting mixed up in my head right now, I don't- [ a beat as he hesitates, almost suspended in the gray fog that's faintly coloring him. ]

Talk to me about it when it's not like this..? ... I don't even get why it's mixing in my head... The NPCs were never violent.

[ but the fans? the fans, well... ]

[at_heart]

[ 'NPC' sort of sounds familiar, but his not-really-his-world-generic knowledge was always kind of flimsy, and it's gotten more so since he started getting memories back. ]

Yeah, I'll... definitely do that. [ Because what the fuck, Kit's world. ] You can count on it.

[ But they're cresting the hotel now, so he brings Kit in for a gentle landing on its roof. ]

[ends]

[ his voice might be a little flat, but once they reach the end of their flight, his tension is still intact. delayed, but intact. while he cannot make out what the small crowd of fans gathered at the bottom might be saying, he can certainly guess.

something miserable, demanding. violent. ]

It's... not right. None this is- [ he makes the motion of a laugh, but it's humorless. ] Is this some sort of penance..?

[at_heart]

[ That's not exactly persuading him to set you down, Kit. His grip might have just tightened a little. ]

Penance for what. You didn't do anything to deserve this.

1/

[ends]

[ no sense in attempting to hide what will be a plain, eerily calm statement of fact. ]

... Refusal.

2/

[ends]

[ he doesn't look right at Lupine anymore. ]

They were chanting to have more of my limbs ripped apart. [ more, because there is that long scar along the whole of his shoulder. it's... uneven, if examined. as if the limb had been torn and not cut. ]

My heart. My head. Anything.

3/

[ends]

[ even though he'd said if someone had to feel it, it should be him. at least he had been one of only two to have to hear that vitriol. ]

4/4

[ends]

[ Kitsu places a hand along the hilt of the knife healed into his chest. the knife is - his own. ]

This was them taking matters into their own hands when they decided I wasn't doing ... enough.

[ surely Lupine remembers the chants for Kitsu to perform first aid, that he was just a rookie with no skills cheating his way through? ]

[at_heart]

—More? They...

[ Kit, what the fuck. :( ]

[ends]

More, more... it's always more.

[ and to him, it always will be. ]

So many of you were told to remove body parts for their amusement. One of my friends was told to take someone's body part and eat it. So I thought, it had to be me to help him. Right?

[ beat. ] I'm the only type of person who safely could, and I knew at least I wouldn't make him feel like shit for asking.

[at_heart]

[ ...well, he doesn't know for sure it was Pentium from that, but he was one of the people who jokingly told Pentium he was attached to his limbs, so it still occurs to him. ]

Kit.

[ Just. Saying your name, softly. ]

[ends]

... I asked if buying one would work.

[ immediately defensive, because he gets a lot of shit for being the way he is, too. ]

[at_heart]

[ Frown deepening. ]

I didn't say you didn't.

[ He's worried for you right now, not mad that you — hell, you let someone cut off your arm and eat it. No, Lupine; worse. ]

[ends]

[ worse! he's searching Lupine's expression, awaiting a tell of anger, disappointment, or a demand for answers. ]

And it's— it's not his fault. [ positioning himself to take blame (that may not even come) for the other party? yes. ]

[at_heart]

[ ...Damn, Kit. ]

I didn't say it was.

[ Soft. ]

The fans are the ones making these shitty requests.